


Grief

by WriterfortheTylwythTeg



Category: How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Sadness, Seriously do not look for any hope here, Tragedy, no happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 11:47:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8978413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WriterfortheTylwythTeg/pseuds/WriterfortheTylwythTeg
Summary: Oneshots exploring a world in which Toothless killed Hiccup instead of Stoick.





	1. Chapter 1

His death had been quick, so quick that it took Hiccup longer than most spirits to figure out he was dead. Toothless had fired, and Hiccup was plunged into a sleep he hadn't meant to take, only to wake up and find that he was far away from home.

Worst still, he found that he could never return.

Five months since his death. It certainly hadn't felt like five months. Time had no meaning in Valhalla. For him, it had felt like barely a moment, or a year, or some odd warping place in between. It didn't matter. All he knew was that his first desire after he found out about his death was to go home again. Every fiber of his being craved it, his soul gravitating towards the love and warmth he knew waited for him on Berk.

It hadn't been easy escaping from Valhalla, but Hiccup had managed it with no small amount of determination and effort, and then wasted no time in finding his house. It was a winter night, and Hiccup noted the pretty snow and stars on his way. As a spirit, walls and doors had no meaning either, and he passed through them with ease until he noticed that there was a light coming from his room. His curiosity piqued; he crept up the stairs, and stopped dead at the sight that met his eyes.

Astrid was sitting at his desk, several lit candles surrounding her. Her hair was down and she was clad in a thick winter robe, passing a comb through her hair. Toothless' head was on her lap, a warm weight Hiccup was very familiar with. In fact, this scene was so domestic and comforting in its familiarity, something he used to watch from his bed through heavy lidded eyes and a drowsy feeling spreading throughout his limbs. It was a preview of his future, and Hiccup couldn't have imagined himself any happier.

And now that life had been ripped away him.

_Gods he had missed them so much…_

Excitement mingled with grief in Hiccup's breast, and he found his lips twitching into a watery smile while tears stung his eyes. He produced something like a laugh that sounded more like a sob, and he was justso happy to see the most precious beings in his life he didn't know whether to dance or fall to his knees and cry.

Without realizing it, he began to walk towards them. "Hey," he whispered, "Hey guys. I'm here! I've come home. Though I don't know how much time I have before they figure out I'm gone and call me back, but…"

Neither Toothless nor Astrid reacted, and Hiccup felt his throat tighten with fear. "Astrid? Toothless? Hey, I'm…" He brushed his fingertips against the back of her head, and she didn't even flinch.

That was when he realized. They couldn't see or hear him. He was a spirit. To them, he didn't exist.

Hiccup sighed in defeat, anguish bubbling up his throat and choking him. He should have known this would happen, but he had held out this hope that _they_ would be able to see him, because they loved him so much and perhaps would be watching for him. He swallowed the hard lump in his throat and decided it would have to be enough that he could hear and see _them._

But truly, it was enough. The golden sight that met his eyes filled his chest with all the goodness of family and caressed his heart softly. The sense of love he missed so much, that he _needed_ so much, filled his empty vessel with a clear light and dried his tears just a little.

Astrid suddenly rose after setting her brush down, and Hiccup watched her with reverence as she stopped in front of his wardrobe. She was even more beautiful than he remembered; there was a glow about her he didn't remember being there before. However, her face was drawn and etched with hard lines left behind from five months of mourning. She bowed her head, and Hiccup's fingers itched to hold her, to caress and comfort her, and it was a fresh blow to his heart knowing he couldn't. After hesitating a moment, she opened the doors slowly, and tentatively grasped the sleeve of one of his tunics. Hiccup felt his throat tighten again, and then felt tears sting his eyes when she brought the entire tunic to her nose and breathed deeply.

"That's your daddy," she mumbled, "That's what he smelled like. It's nice, isn't it? It always made me feel safe, and I know it would have made you feel safe too."

Hiccup blinked in confusion, and took a step toward her.

Her shoulders began to shake with repressed sobs, and Hiccup was instantly by her side, trying to hold her against his being and nuzzle the back of her head in an attempt to comfort her. Out of habit, he pressed kisses into her hair, and then whined in frustration when she wasn't soothed.

"It's been five months," Astrid continued, "I'm lucky I can still smell him on these. By the time you're born, his scent will probably be gone, and you'll never know what he smelled like…"

Her tears came faster. "It's not fair. You'll never know how safe he'd make you feel, how warm his arms were, or...ever _know_ him. And he won't get to know you either. But I do know"- her chest hitched on another sob- "I know he loves you. Wherever he is, Hiccup loves you with all his heart, and you're his little prince or princess."

"Astrid..?" Hiccup wanted to know what was happening, because she wasn't making any sense and she was crying and that was making him feel so _helpless_ and he wanted to make her feel better in any way he could. "Don't cry, please, it's okay. I'm here, I am! Don't cry, don't cry."

She closed the doors of the wardrobe, and after she crossed the room back to Hiccup's bed, she removed her robe while Toothless settled on the floor on the other side of the bed.

And Hiccup's eyes were drawn to the prominent swell of her belly, and his stomach bottomed out and dissolved into air.

No. Oh no, no, no. She couldn't be...

Well, she could, actually. He remembered their impassioned afternoon in the cove quite vividly, a combination of too much sunlight and too much foolishness. She had been teasing him, and he couldn't help pulling up her shirt, and then his pants went next, and went she had caught sight of his goods, the look she had given him had been absolutely predatory. Whether they meant to or not, they had devoured each other in body and soul, and Hiccup had reached a sense of ecstasy he knew he would never achieve again.

Yes, it was entirely possible that she could have gotten pregnant.

Astrid pulled back the blankets to his bed, and Hiccup watched in stunned silence punctuated only by his tears as she crossed the room to blow out the candles and give Toothless a goodnight pat. Then, she crawled into bed, and blew out the last candle next to the bed.

Hiccup's grief increased tenfold as he watched Astrid situate herself on her side of the bed (at least, she had dubbed it her side since she had spent enough nights there whether their parents knew it or not) and curled up into a ball, as if shivering from a lack of warmth she missed.

She missed the warm pressure of his body beside hers.

Habit won over reason, and even though he knew she wouldn't draw any comfort from his presence, Hiccup climbed up on the bed and spooned up behind her, entwining his limbs with hers as best he could and burying his face in the back of her head. He cried with her for the fact that they had been ripped away from each other when they needed each other the most, for the fact that he could see her but couldn't wipe away her tears or kiss her lips.

For the fact that he would never get to know the precious little life they had made.

Hiccup passed his hand down her side until it stopped at her belly. He let it rest there, marveling at what it meant. There was a child in there, a little one that was half him and half the girl he loved. She was carrying it for him, and in the near future she would deliver it into the world as all women did so that the proud father could meet him or her. And Hiccup would miss all of it most likely; the veil between Valhalla and Midgard was thick and nearly impenetrable. That knowledge didn't stop the hard rush of love and a desire to protect his girl and their child.

"I love you," Hiccup rasped, eyes burning, "I love you _both_ , so much. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, it's my fault Astrid. You need me, and I want to be here with you so badly."

His fingers grasped her belly a little tighter, and a weak cry banged at his tightly closed teeth. A little flame licked at his hand from inside her, and a rush of energy surged through him, and an image of his baby was gifted to him whether he wanted it or not. He gasped and his eyes snapped open.

A girl. It was a _girl_.

For some reason, knowing the gender suddenly made things so much more painful. His head supplied him with imagined scenarios of the birth of his daughter, silly faces to cheer her up and raspberries blown against her neck. Calling her his princess, shielding her from all the danger he could, teaching her how to ride dragons, all the paternal love that suddenly swelled and choked him with its ferocity…

…it was all blown away in the wind, useless, never to occur.

Suddenly, another sensation became apparent to him. It was a tug that was almost visceral, an invisible noose that threatened to pull him back towards the heavens, and a wave of panic crashed over Hiccup. He had been found out, and he was being called back. With a gasp, he clung to Astrid even tighter, still cradling her pregnant belly.

"Don't make me leave," he begged breathlessly, even as the noose squeezed at his lungs, "I don't want to go! Don't you see? She needs me! I have to stay! She's going to have our baby and I don't want her to be alone."

The burning in his chest grew more intense, and Hiccup began to cough as discomfort transformed slowly into pain. Still, he stubbornly clung to his life in Midgard, unable to let go, bound by love and grief.

Hiccup's breath hitched with terror when he noticed that his form was beginning to fade; he was being taken by force since he wasn't returning willingly. He doubted they would be so careless next time in watching.

This would be the last time he would see Astrid and his daughter before they joined him forever.

As he lost more substance, Hiccup realized all at once that there was so much he wanted to tell them, so many comforts he wanted to impart and laughs he wanted to share and hear in return. So many flights to take and so many ecstasies to share with Astrid in their bed, so many, so many…

There wasn't enough time to say a quarter of what he wanted to, so he chose not to say anything. Instead, Hiccup squeezed his eyes shut so that more tears were pushed out and scorched their way down his cheeks. He nuzzled his nose into Astrid's temple desperately before kissing her hairline, trying to convey what his words couldn't. He imparted a parting caress to her stomach, waving goodbye to his precious daughter.

And then he began to sing.

"I'll swim and sail on savage seas…"

Even as he felt himself falling asleep again, even as he was carried from his beloveds, he continued his song. It went beyond him where he hoped it would stay in Midgard.

With Astrid.

It was then that Astrid's eyes snapped open and she sat up, swearing she caught a familiar hint of musk in the air. She could have also sworn she felt a warm shape pressed against her back, but passed it off as dream sensations.

Then she heard the song. And more importantly, she heard the song in Hiccup's voice.

"…if you will promise me your heart, and love me for eternity…"

The words echoed, and then went silent. She shivered, and Astrid felt tears welling up in her eyes anew. "Hiccup?"

Then, Astrid noticed something else; the swell of her belly felt inexplicably warm, like the sun had touched it. Or rather…perhaps…the hand of a father so devoted to his family even in death that he would pass through all the realms just to see them again.

Or maybe she was just going crazy at last.

But the warmth lingered, and Astrid felt her little one flutter like mad inside her in response to it. A little laugh broke from her, she pressed the heel of her hand into her eye, and began to cry again.


	2. Chapter 2

"You're not happy here, are you Hiccup?"

"…It's beautiful here."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"It doesn't matter, does it? It's not like I can leave, right? Or…?"

"No. I'm afraid not."

"..."

"You've never stopped longing for them. Your family."

"…I..."

"You know you can't lie to a god, Hiccup. The air around you reeks with longing and despair. You've never been happy here and you never will be until those you love come to join you."

"N-No. I…I need them. I need them so much that it aches. I just want to be with my girls. I'd give _anything_ to see my daughter, or to kiss Astrid one last time."

"Hush now, there's no need for tears, though I understand your need to shed them. You're certainly an anomaly here, Hiccup. You cry in a place of utter peace and sleep though you don't require it. Why is that?"

"When I sleep, sometimes I dream, and I see Astrid, or Toothless. I can be with them in my dreams. When I'm awake, I'm alone."

"I see. Hmm…then why don't you sleep when the moon reaches its highest point today?"

"Huh?"

"You might dream something good. Just trust me."

000

Hiccup woke slowly, and when he became more aware of his surroundings, he realized he felt grass under his fingers. It was prickly and tickled, and it smelled warm and fresh. The sun was overhead, heating his ears and hair. Water was rushing in the distance, as if a waterfall was close by. When he opened his eyes further, he saw that the place he was in was very familiar indeed.

It was the cove.

Upon realizing this, he sat up abruptly with a gasp. Gods, it had been so long since he had laid eyes on this place. Everything was exactly as he remembered it. Birds chirping among the trees, rocks still wet with the previous night's rain, and a breeze blowing across his scalp. It was all here. His dreams had never been this realistic before, and he could feel his heartbeat slowing, entering a state of peace he had never achieved before.

Suddenly, a huge, black shape came thundering towards him and knocked him over without preamble. Hiccup would have panicked if not for the tongue that suddenly covered him in spit from his chest all the way up to his hair, the familiar whines and warbles of excitement that vibrated around him, and the huge green eyes that were dilated with utter joy.

" _Toothless!"_ he cried, and the dragon yipped at hearing his rider say his name.

Hiccup vibrated with shock and a happiness that took over his entire being, and without hesitation, he pulled Toothless' head into an embrace that made his arms tremble because it was so tight. Toothless purred and shook and thumped his tail, and Hiccup immediately began to cry, too overcome to do anything else.

"Hey bud," he said, voice cracking, "Hey. Oh gods I've missed you, I've missed you so much. Don't ever leave me again, okay? Don't ever…"

He looked confused when Toothless suddenly began to whine and pull away. His ears were flattened, and he lowered his body to the ground in submission, nosing at Hiccup's knee.

"What's the matter?" Hiccup asked, smiling.

And then he understood.

Toothless was the reason he was dead in the first place.

His dragon felt… _guilty_.

Hiccup shook his head, sorrow welling up in his throat. He brought Toothless' head back up to his and pressed their foreheads together. "No, bud. You have nothing to be sorry for. I never blamed you, not for a second. It's okay, alright? I still love you. I never stopped. I just missed you."

Toothless whined happily, his tongue snaking out to give Hiccup a single lick, before nuzzling him hard with relief.

"I knew he needed to hear that from you for it to mean anything."

Hiccup's head snapped up at the painfully familiar voice. Two figures were approaching him; one he couldn't see very well because it was shorter than the other and hiding behind her, and the person in front…

Hiccup leapt to his feet and raced towards Astrid, tears blurring his vision and whimpers escaping him without his consent. He crashed into her so hard he almost took them both down, but neither of them noticed. All that mattered was that she could see him now, and he could touch her and be touched by her. And touch her he did; he crushed her to him, burying his face into her unbound hair with a muffled sob. He felt her arms encircle him with a bruising grip, and for a while he could do nothing but cry and hold her, smell her, and feel her hair tickling his cheeks and get caught in his eyelashes. It was only when he felt the overwhelming urge to look at her did he pull back, hands sliding up to cup her cheeks. Her eyes were wet, but she was smiling and breathing a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob. Unable to help himself, Hiccup rapidly pressed kisses all over her face; at the end of her nose, under her eyes, her ears, everywhere. Then, he picked her up and spun her in a circle, before planting her back on the ground and kissing her hard on the mouth, to which he felt her hands dig in his hair while he kept his death-grip on her waist.

Even when they pulled apart, Hiccup kept their foreheads together, unwilling to separate from her and unable to stop kissing her face. Astrid laughed and nuzzled him back, bumping their noses together.

"You're here, you're both here!" Hiccup gasped, "I can't…can't believe"-

"I know," she breathed, "I know."

"I love you. I love you I love you _Iloveyousomuch_."

"Shh, it's okay. We're here. I love you too. I never thought I'd be able to tell you that again."

Toothless suddenly shoved his head up in between them, and they laughed in spite of themselves. Hiccup kneeled down to hug his friend, and felt Astrid's hands on his shoulders. The sun pierced his skin to fill his belly and his heart, and tingle all the way to his toes and the roots of his hair. Utter peace and ecstasy settled in his soul and flickered there like a flame. This was it.

He was home.

"Hiccup."

"Hmm?" Hiccup lifted his head from Toothless' forehead, eyes shining.

Astrid's smile grew, and she looked behind herself. Hiccup noticed that there was a hand clutching her skirts, and he tilted his head.

"There's someone else who wants to meet you," she said. And with that, she stepped aside.

Hiccup felt his heart skip a beat when he took in the girl standing behind his beloved. It was like looking into a mirror; she stood there with his face, his nose, his eyes, his freckled skin and his hair. His heart flew up his throat and he felt tears well afresh in his eyes when he realized who this girl was.

Astrid put her hand on the girl's upper back, and gave her a gentle nudge towards Hiccup. "Mordig, that's your daddy. You can say hello, he won't bite. If he does, I'll beat him for you."

His daughter looked up at Astrid with a raised eyebrow, before looking back at Hiccup. Her face melted into one of nervousness, but also one of barely concealed awe. Her hands fisted in her dress, and with a wavering smile, she moved to stand in front of his kneeling form.

Hiccup looked up at her with reverence and excitement, certain that his eyes were still shining with tears, but was also sure that his face was red with happiness. He smiled brightly, unable to help himself, unable to stop his babbling train of thought that his daughter was _here_ , and her name was Mordig, and she looked _just like him_.

There was so much he wanted to say all at once that he didn't know which sentence to pick. His mouth kept opening and closing, voice cracking and stuttering half-words. Mordig and Astrid were looking at him expectantly. This was too much pressure.

Finally, he managed to squeak out, "I'm sorry you got stuck with my face."

Astrid snickered as he slapped a hand to his face, going beet red with embarrassment. Thankfully, Mordig began to laugh, and Hiccup felt a little less foolish.

"Mommy said you'd probably say that," she grinned, "And she said to tell you that she thinks I wear it better than you do."

Hiccup nodded. "You do. I…you're beautiful…"

She blushed, her freckles darkening.

Hiccup couldn't take his eyes off of her, wanting to memorize every move she made, knowing she made them because he and her mother had given her life. His fingers itched to touch her, to assert that she was real, to feel his daughter in his arms for the first time.

Instead, he asked, "How old are you, Mordig?" It felt good to say her name.

She blinked, as if surprised that he was asking her such a simple question. "Nine."

Hiccup's breath caught in his chest. That meant nine years had passed since his death. That was so much time missed, so much time to be separated from his family, yet it had passed like a blink for him.

"Wow," he said, "Nine already? That's old."

"It is not," she pouted, though the sparkle in her eye told him she knew he was joking.

"Nah, I guess not. I'm just being silly," he winked at her, "So…um, what are some of the things you like doing? What don't you like? Are you doing everything your mom tells you to do? You eating lots? Getting enough sleep? Are you"-

Astrid put a hand over his mouth, and Hiccup obediently stopped the word vomit. Mordig laughed again, and the laugh sounded remarkably like her mother's.

"You talk a lot, daddy," she observed.

"Told you," Astrid sighed.

After that, the three of them settled on the grass, Hiccup holding Astrid to him while Mordig rambled on and on about herself, Toothless curled around all of them. Hiccup found himself giggling happily at the most random of times it seemed to his daughter, but to him it was just an expression of his utter joy at seeing her do something that was so clearly him, or so clearly her mother. She talked with her hands and shoulders as much as she did her words, and when she screwed up her face in annoyance or anger it was a look that could freeze the hearts of the good people of Berk. And Hiccup loved all of it.

And then suddenly, Mordig went very quiet, before she demanded loudly, "Why did you leave us, daddy? Why couldn't you stay alive?"

Astrid's eyes went wide before she growled, "Mordig…"

"No," Hiccup shook his head, not taking his eyes off his angry daughter, "I deserve it. Let her finish."

"Everything is sad at home!" she continued, "Grandma and Grandpa are sad when they look at me, mommy gets sad when I mention you! The village…they all talk about you and how amazing you were, but I never got to know you. I hate it!"

Her eyes met his, green as his own, and they steadily filled with tears. "I want everyone to stop being sad. Come back, daddy. Please come home with us? I mean, I know you can't, but…I want you to."

Hiccup's throat worked visibly to swallow down his tears; he had already cried so much, and without hesitation, he pulled Mordig into an embrace. She latched on without a second thought, unknown to him feeling secure in his wiry arms and warm scent, something she had never encountered before but felt right anyway. Because he felt it appropriate, and because a rush of paternal love had flooded his chest, he kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back.

"It's okay," he murmured, "Shhh now. Let me tell you something. I think about you all every day; you, your mom, Toothless. And I love you all so much, so much that it breaks my heart. And I want you to know"-

His throat tightened up for a minute and his voice was shaking almost to the point of being unintelligible, but he plowed on. "I want you to know, even when you find yourself all alone, even though I'm not there with you, I'm still loving you. I love you because I love your mommy and because you're my little princess, okay? And I'm so sorry that I can't be there. I'd give anything to come home with you…"

Suddenly, it began to grow dark overhead. Thunder rumbled in the sky, and Hiccup lifted his head from the embrace. The sun was gone, and in its place, storm clouds had rolled in. His heart began to pound as a feeling of unease began to crackle in the air.

"Hiccup."

He turned his head towards Astrid, eyes showing his sense of alarm. However, she looked very calm. But also terribly mournful.

"It's time to go."

His eyes slowly widened, and an overwhelming sensation of shock, denial, and grief shook him to his very roots. His throat abruptly closed and tears began to burn his eyes.

"No," he rasped, "No. No no no, it can't be. I…you can't leave!"

He shook his head violently, and then buried his face in Mordig's shoulder. He crushed her to him protectively, brain unable to process the unbearable thought of leaving them yet again. His daughter squeezed him back, sharing in his tears.

"Hiccup…"

"No! I just got you all back, I can't lose you again! Please Astrid, I don't want to be alone again."

"H-Hiccup…"

Now she was crying too, and hugging the both of them. Hiccup opened his arms to include her in the embrace, and Toothless pressed his nose to his rider's side in the best embrace he could manage. Everything Hiccup ever wanted, ever lived for, was right here with him. How could the gods be so cruel to show him his family and then tell him he couldn't have them?

"It's not fair," he sobbed, "It's not fair, it's not!"

"Don't go," Astrid cried in a very small voice, "I don't want to wake up in our bed and find myself alone again. I'm tired of dreaming that you're there with me, only to find out that it wasn't real."

The little family had been reduced to a mess of tears, frustration, and terror, and the clouds around them only grew darker.

And then, quite suddenly, Mordig's shaky little voice spoke up.

"You just told me that even when I'm alone and you're far away, you're still loving me, right?"

Hiccup lifted his head up and away to look her in the face. "Y-Yeah."

"So the same goes for us. Mommy and I love you, and you can take our love with you. That way you won't be so alone because we'll always be with you."

He glanced over at Astrid, who nodded in confirmation. He still wanted to protest, to say it wasn't the same as seeing them and feeling them, but for someone who had nothing else to hold onto, this would have to be enough. Their love was all he had, the only part of them he could take with him back to Valhalla; their love, and these memories, which he knew he would be burying himself in from now until they faded in an attempt to bring himself comfort.

Astrid placed a hand on his chest and nuzzled her head under his chin. "It's alright, Hiccup. It's alright to be scared. We'll still always be with you no matter what."

A fresh sob made Hiccup's next words come out strained and barely discernable. "And you'll always be in my heart."

Before he could cry anymore, Astrid kissed his cheek, then his lips, and pulling all of them down against Toothless. "Rest now. Just rest."

Against his will, his body began to relax, as if some outside force were un-tensing his muscles and making his eyelids feels heavy. Reluctant though he was to go back to sleep, he found he had no choice but to obey. He snuggled against Toothless' warm body, where he noticed the dragon had curled himself around them all, and was purring softly as his eyes began to shut. Hiccup placed his hand on his dragon's nose, letting the familiar feeling of the scaly skin calm his nerves. Astrid laid to his left, her head on his chest and her legs entwined with his. Mordig was squished between the both of them, warm between both of her parents' bodies for the first and only time in her life. Their eyes shut slowly, and Hiccup wrapped his remaining arm around his girls tightly, willing his protective energy to encircle them with all his might. Mordig shifted and hugged him around his waist, burying her face in his side.

"Love you daddy," she whispered, voice fading as she fell asleep, "Don't forget that. Glad I…I got to meet you..."

"Love you too, princess," he answered, "Don't ever forget that from now until we meet again, okay?"

"Mmm." And then she was quiet.

Hiccup fought to stay awake for one last goodbye. He leaned forward and touched his lips to the lips of the girl who held his heart so tightly, and uselessly wished once more that she could stay with him.

"You're not alone Hiccup," she murmured.

His eyes finally closed, and he placed his head atop hers. "Neither are you."

Just like that, it started to rain, and Hiccup fell into the void of sleep.

He would wake up dazed under the rising sun with a heart sore from the knowledge of what was denied to him, but full to bursting with love that he would keep with him for as long as he could. It would hold him over until he saw them again. It had to.

All he could do now was wait.

 


	3. Chapter 3

"Toothless."

That sounded like Astrid. Smelled like her too. Toothless could also smell her tears, and it choked him.

"I have a very important job for you."

At this, he lifted his head from the snow to look at her dazedly. No one had even dared to look at him since…since he was sent away from Hiccup and his desperately grieving family. No matter how hard he had tried to get at his rider, no matter how frantic he was to chase away Hiccup's lingering fear-scent with licks and nuzzles, he was continuously driven away by his rider's father. Eventually, Toothless had given up, and simply laid down in the snow a few feet away, crying hard in a way only a dragon could, before eventually falling into a state of suspended shock where he couldn't think anything, but felt everything.

His eyes must have looked dead to his rider's mate, because she flinched nearly imperceptibly, but Toothless caught it. She was hunched over, carrying something on her back, and upon more careful inspection, Toothless saw a tuft of russet hair over her shoulder. His eyes widened, and he let out a little warble of surprise.

And, incredibly, hope sparked in his heart.

Astrid smiled pityingly, but Toothless didn't notice. His eyes were glued to the snow-white face lying against the back of her shoulder, and the familiar smell of leather and pine he associated with love, sunny days, laughter, and devotion.

"We need to prepare his…" Astrid's voice caught, as if it was difficult for her to get the words out, "his pyre. It's going to take a while. I don't want him to be left alone, not for a second. So…I'm going to leave him with you. I know you'll keep him safe, Toothless."

Toothless began to whine and shuffle forward eagerly. Astrid's pitying smile grew, and she asked him to lay down again. Toothless did so immediately, and watched as she turned around, and gently deposited Hiccup's body onto Toothless' front legs. Without hesitation, as soon as Hiccup made contact with his body, he gathered his best friend against his chest. Seeing this seemed to satisfy Astrid, because she nodded, and turned around with a sigh that shuddered in her chest, before leaving them both alone.

Toothless sighed contentedly, overjoyed to be reunited with his boy. Hiccup's eyes were closed, and for some reason, this didn't bother the dragon. Hiccup just looked like he was deeply asleep, and Toothless decided that was what he wanted to believe. His boy wasn't dead; he was just exhausted, and Astrid had given him to Toothless so that he could keep him safe.

Because Toothless couldn't begin to comprehend living in a world that Hiccup didn't exist in.

So, he let this fantasy cloud his mind, because it was easier to accept. He let out a happy purr, and nuzzled his boy's face. Toothless ignored the smell of smoke and death in favor of just enjoying the quiet moment alone with his best friend. They were together now, and as long as they were together, Toothless could protect him, and love him. A surge of affection rushed through him at the thought, and he gave Hiccup's face a tiny lick.

And then he recoiled.

Gods, Hiccup was _freezing_.

No, this wouldn't do, his Hiccup was so tiny, he got cold so easily. The frantic desire to warm him up entered Toothless' being. So, tenderly, he tucked Hiccup's hands and feet into the warm security of his limbs and chest, taking great care not to bite too hard on the limbs he grabbed. He snuggled Hiccup close, and gently nudged his boy's head so that it faced towards Toothless' body and rested against his shoulder. Hiccup often complained that his nose got cold, so he made sure that his nose was pressed against his own warm scales. He placed his head over his boy's body, and created the seal over the cocoon of warmth, leaving Hiccup's head to poke out.

So he could breathe. Yes. Toothless didn't want him to suffocate.

A chilly wind blew in, swirling snow in little tornadoes all around them. Touching his tongue to Hiccup's face again, Toothless realized with horror that he wasn't warming up. No, Hiccup couldn't stay cold. He…he needed more. More warmth. More.

So, he spat a bit of fire into the snow in front of them, and then a little more, before a little pool of flash-heated snow steamed in front of them, heat rolling towards them in waves. Toothless covered Hiccup again and crooned a soothing purr.

 _You're safe now,_ Toothless thought, _You just rest, I've got you. You'll warm up soon, and everything will be okay. It'll be okay now that I'm here._

Astrid returned hours later to find Toothless in the same position, but the dragon didn't notice. That is, he heard the sound of her footsteps, but didn't bother to look up. He couldn't. He had to keep his head over Hiccup so that none of the heat would escape. Tears shone in her eyes, and she knelt down. Toothless chanced lifting his head so that Astrid could see Hiccup, because he knew that was what she wanted. Sniffling, she grabbed one of her mate's hands, and for some reason, she began to cry harder.

Probably because his fingers felt warm. _Warm, like his blood was rushing through them. Like he would return her grip, curling his fingers around hers comfortingly._

Carefully, she placed Hiccup's hand back onto his chest. Then, she reached up and patted Toothless, stroking over his eye ridges as if she were asleep.

"You're a good boy," Astrid said sadly, softly, "You're such a good boy, Toothless. Thank you. For everything you've done for him."

Toothless reached forward and licked her chin, and Astrid managed a hollow giggle at the action.

When she finished wiping off the sticky spit from her face, she said regretfully, "I need to take him now. His ship's ready."

Toothless tilted his head, not completely understanding what she meant by a "ship being ready." But he did understand that she wanted to take Hiccup from him, and he found himself hugging his boy's body a little closer.

"Oh Toothless," Astrid moaned, "I know. It's okay. I'll keep him safe, you know I will. And I want you to come with me…to see him off. Please?"

Toothless hesitated at first. But he trusted Astrid, he had no doubt she wouldn't let any harm come to Hiccup. He was being foolish. Of course she would take care of him.

So, reluctantly, he relinquished the body of his boy to her gentle arms. As soon as she had him securely fastened to her back, Toothless popped to his feet and followed her slow, steady steps. He stayed right beside her and the young man she carried, nuzzling Hiccup's face and limp hand, still purring hard.

Even when they reached the gloomy shores and the rotted ship on the beach that was to serve as Hiccup's coffin, Toothless still crooned to him. _It's okay, I'm here, and so is Astrid. We're all here and we'll keep you safe._

He stayed with Hiccup even as they laid him in the boat. He watched as his mother and father pulled a tattered sheet up over his body, Astrid lay a soft, final kiss on his forehead, and then at last pull the sheet respectfully over his face. Toothless didn't like that because he couldn't see his boy's face anymore. When he tried to pull the sheet back, Valka pushed his head away gently, stroking him and telling him how good and loyal a dragon he was.

When they pushed the boat out into the water, Toothless panicked.

He screamed in a way he had never heard himself scream before, desperately terrified. Why were they sending Hiccup away like that? They couldn't! He lunged towards the boat with the intent of pulling it back ashore, but Stoick and Gobber's strong arms held him back. They were crying too, and now Astrid was crying, and so was Valka, and all the sad-smells combined with his own paralyzing horror was tipping Toothless over the edge.

The dragon watched as the other Vikings shot flaming arrows towards the boat and set it aflame, and once it was engulfed, Stoick and Gobber finally released him. Toothless shot towards the water and waded in, swimming in the wake of the boat, paddling desperately towards it. Hiccup…he wanted to be with Hiccup…he had to protect him…

Eventually, the water became too deep, Toothless became too exhausted, and the boat was too far away. He swam back, whimpering and shaking once he reached the shore again. Astrid was immediately by his side, wrapping her arms around his neck and sobbing miserably. Toothless accepted her embrace laying down on the shore and hugging her close. He then turned his nose towards the distant flaming ship, and released a mournful cry.

He didn't stop crying for many, many months.


	4. Chapter 4

Toothless' head snapped up from the floor, and in his groggy state, he forgot where he was. For a moment, he felt like he was still in his dream. And then when he realized he was awake, and at a very ungodly hour in the morning at that, he _wished_ he was still in his dream.

He stared at the wall vacantly, seeing nothing but the fading images dancing teasingly in front of his eyes. His dream had been so vivid, seemed so real, and like nothing his subconscious had churned up before. And it had been so _happy_. Hiccup had been in it…

Toothless laid he head back down on his front paws with a groan. It had been seven days since his boy's death, but he had seen him so clearly just a moment ago. His laughing face was there, all white teeth and shining eyes, still ringing in the dragon's ears. He still felt his kind hands smoothing over his scales, and his scent clouding his senses. The dream had been born from a desire Toothless harbored, a wish to spend one last day with his boy knowing it would _be_ his last day. It showed him everything he wanted to do with Hiccup; have one more belly rub, explore one more unknown place, take one more flight…

He rubbed at his nose with a forepaw, Hiccup's remembered scent still strong in his nose. In the newborn light of the day, Toothless stood up from his pallet in the loft, knowing he wouldn't get anymore sleep tonight. He made his way over to the bed against the wall, nails clicking quietly against the wooden floor. He stopped once he made it to the side of the bed.

In his mind's eye, Toothless could even see his boy now, a lump curled up in his cozy nest of blankets with only his hair visible. The echoes of his soft snores and sleepy groans reverberated in the unnatural silence of the room, or at least they would until Toothless licked him awake so that they could go flying.

And then the mirage was gone. Toothless sighed and nosed the pillow, whining sadly when he picked up Hiccup's scent. It was fading already, he noted with horror. He pushed his head underneath the blankets, nose twitching. Hiccup's smell was here too, and for a moment, Toothless closed his eyes and took deep breaths, disappearing in the comfort of the dark where anything was possible.

Toothless couldn't shake the feeling that his dream had meant something, something important. Maybe even something impossible. The clarity with which he had seen Hiccup and relived all the most wonderful moments of their time together…it sparked something within him that he knew shouldn't be there. He had kept inside him this… _hope_ , that Hiccup's death was just a bad dream, that it didn't really happen. That now that the battle was over and everything was safe, his best friend would stroll into Berk, happy, whole, and safe. And then he would bowl Hiccup over, covering him in sloppy kisses, to which Hiccup would reply excitedly, "I'm home bud! Sorry I took so long, I know I had you worried sick, but I'm back for good this time."

Perhaps Toothless just had to look for him in the right places. Perhaps… _today_ …if he looked hard enough, he wouldn't be disappointed again.

Keeping Hiccup's scent in his nose, the black dragon slid out the open window and into the still sleeping town, his head raised in the air. He sniffed for several long minutes, trying to pick out Hiccup in the morning smells.

_There!_

Toothless jolted, and sniffed harder. Yes, there it was, it was unmistakable! He smelled his boy! He knew it, he knew it! He took off full throttle, following his nose and his heart soaring with excitement, and didn't stop until he was in front of the forge. He decided it made sense. Hiccup spent a lot of his time here among the roaring fires and calamity of noise, shaping things, some of them for Toothless. The forge was silent now, though, and Toothless slipped inside. He snuffled and pushed things aside gently until he had reached the back and came face to face with an apron hanging on a rack. Tilting his head, he sniffed the apron closely, and realized this was where Hiccup's smell was coming from.

Several images of his rider wearing this very apron, pounding away at still hot weapons, keeping the fire going, and tinkering with other little things presented themselves to the dragon. One time he had taken one of Toothless' loose scales and worked it into a silver filigree necklace for Astrid, and a few others for some little girls who thought the necklace was pretty. Hiccup had looked so proud of himself, and those little girls looked so awestruck when he tied those scales around their necks. Astrid had been glowing with joy and pride, and had kissed Hiccup affectionately after they had left, mentioning something about how adorable he was with kids. Toothless hadn't noticed his rider's embarrassment, opting to enjoy the fish the girls had left him instead.

Warbling softly, he nudged the apron gently with his nose. It looked so empty and lonely without the body that usually accompanied it. Toothless knew how it felt.

But he couldn't give up, not yet. Rubbing his face against the apron in farewell, he pattered back outside and sniffed the air again. When he picked up the scent coming from a different direction, Toothless went after it, more determined than ever.

It led him to the dragon stables, and he snuck in as quietly as he could. Most of the dragons were asleep, except for a few hyper hatchlings who he heard play fighting somewhere above him. His nose led him to Stormfly's stall, more specifically to the saddle that was draped over the stall door. He touched his nose to it, smelling Stormfly and Astrid on it most prominently, but underneath all that was Hiccup's scent.

Ah, yes. Hiccup had made a repair to it not too long ago. Toothless remembered him working with his needle and thread on a tear in the underside. Astrid had tried to convince him that it didn't matter because no one would see it, but Hiccup insisted, saying he would know it was there and she and Stormfly deserved to look gorgeous all the time. He had even oiled the saddle up until it was nice and shiny after he was finished.

Stormfly's head suddenly appeared over the stall door, and she trilled in surprised recognition when she saw Toothless. Toothless lowered his head and averted his eyes, body deflating. Hiccup wasn't here either.

His friend tilted her head in confusion, and then her eyes softened when she realized why Toothless had been sniffing her saddle. She still smelled Hiccup on it too. She craned her head over the door to give the black dragon a soft nudge with her beak, crooning quietly. Toothless crooned back, appreciating her concern and giving her a quick lick. Just the other day, Stormfly had seen how utterly devastated he still was, and, in an effort to make him feel better, kindly offered to share her rider with him.

"You like Astrid," she had said, "And she likes you. And she's Hiccup's mate, so"-

"Was," Toothless had interrupted softly.

Stormfly had looked very awkward then. "Okay, well…I'd like to think I know you better than most, and I can't think of anyone else you'd let on your back."

She had been right, of course. But Toothless wasn't ready to let anyone else on his back yet, just as he was sure Astrid wasn't ready to ride him and…take Hiccup's place, in a sense.

So, he bid Stormfly farewell and left the stables, the hope sucked out of his heart with painful ferocity. As soon as he was back out on the grass, Toothless flopped down with a frustrated, sorrowful moan, pawing at his face. The sun was higher in the sky now, and he could hear the early risers milling about. But he didn't care, none of them mattered. The only person that mattered wasn't here, his beautiful, loving face always cruelly dangled in front of him in his dreams and disappearing when he woke. It made Toothless wish he could remain asleep forever so that he could just stay with his best friend.

Toothless moaned low and loud, his shoulders shuddering. It wasn't supposed to happen this way! They were supposed to die together! But then Hiccup had to go someplace Toothless couldn't follow him, and it wasn't fair! It just…it hurt so bad…to be alone, to have half of you ripped away while the other half was left to rot and linger against its will.

He just wanted his boy.

But no matter how hard he wished or begged, Hiccup never came back. Sometimes Toothless would wake up but hesitate in opening his eyes, instead sending a prayer to whoever would listen. _Please,_ he would plead, _Please, today let me open my eyes and see Hiccup lying in bed. Let this all be a bad dream._

Last night, Hiccup had kissed his forehead and murmured just before Toothless woke, "Thanks for everything, bud. I love you, and I'll see you in Valhalla." And he had held Toothless until the dream faded.

Toothless sat up and looked up at the sky, as if he could find Hiccup among the clouds if he looked hard enough. But that wouldn't happen. It _couldn't_ happen. He was so stupid.

And then it hit him.

It was Hiccup's scent, but it wasn't coming from the dragon stables, or the chief's house. It was coming from a new direction.

Toothless began to shake, daring to hope once more. He couldn't help it, bound as he was by love, loyalty and grief. He had to try. He whimpered, already running forward before he could stop himself, following the scent with everything he had.

_Hiccup, I'm coming! Just hold on, I'll find you. Please be there…_

He was a bit surprised to find himself in front of the Hofferson house, but at the same time he wasn't. Hiccup often came home smelling like this house, and more specifically his mate. Toothless drew in a sharp breath. Astrid! Had she had found Hiccup?

His scent was coming from her room.

Toothless leapt up towards her window, losing his balance at first and scrabbling with his hind legs for purchase. When he found it, he hauled himself through, barking happily and looking around rapidly. When his eyes adjusted, he immediately noticed that no one was here, not even the girl that this room belonged to. Toothless tilted his head in confusion.

He then set to sniffing around, trusting his nose when his eyes failed to produce the person whom he longed to see. He checked everywhere, under things, behind things, shifting things around and accidently knocking some things over. He didn't stop until he found where the smell was coming from.

Hanging over the back of a chair was a green tunic Toothless recognized all too well.

In a daze, he approached the garment, before burying his nose against it desperately and letting loose a rasping cry. Oh, it was so soft, so warm and familiar that he couldn't stand it. It was another remnant of his boy that lay there, empty and sad like him. It was probably at that moment Toothless felt his heart well and truly break, bereft of the hope that had kept it together at last.

"Toothless?"

The dragon swung around to see Astrid standing in the doorway, looking confused. Toothless had no idea what to do next, paralyzed by despair as he was. She entered the room with the intention of getting closer to him, but before she could get much further, Toothless was burying his nose in her stomach, taking deep, searching breaths. It was a weak, last shred of hope, but since he often smelled Astrid on Hiccup, he figured the opposite could be true as well. But no, the girl carried no trace of Hiccup. She smelled different than normal, but at the moment Toothless didn't care about what that could mean.

"Hey, what's the matter?" she asked gently, resting her hands on his head. She looked around the room, noticing at last all the things Toothless had rearranged. "What are you looking for?"

He let out a long, high-pitched, desperate whine, and pulled away from her. He slunk over to the chair and carefully pulled Hiccup's shirt off the back of it, before turning back to her and pressing it into her hands, looking up at her with huge, pitiful eyes. Astrid took it with stiff fingers, looking down at it as if she wasn't sure if it was something out of a dream. Toothless kept whining, beginning to shake once more. He nosed at the shirt frantically, before he began to cover it in tiny licks, wishing beyond everything possible his tongue would meet warm skin instead of fabric.

Astrid sunk slowly to her knees, still clutching the shirt in a white-knuckled grip. "I stole this from him," she explained, "I just wanted something of his that I could wear that smelled like him. He…heh, when he saw me wearing it for the first time, he said, 'Well, that looks familiar. Now you're raiding my closet? Eh, it looks better on you anyway.'"

Her shoulders shook, and when she continued, her voice was thick with unshed tears. "When he died, I asked his parents if they wanted the shirt back. And do you know what his dad said? 'Did he ever ask for it back? No? Then it's yours. He gave it to you.'"

Tears shone on her cheeks and dripped onto her lap. Toothless lay down and set his head in her lap.

"I couldn't sleep last night because I missed him so much that it hurt. So I…I dug out his shirt and put it on. It was like being held by him because it was warm and gentle and…Toothless, I want him to come home! That idiot, can't he see how miserable he's made everyone? I'd give the gods anything they wanted if I could just see him one more time…just one more time…"

Toothless reached up and licked her cheek, whimpering with sympathy. But, as miserable with grief as he was, he felt just a tiny bit better knowing there was someone else who felt as miserable as he did. Astrid sobbed and threw her arms around Toothless' head, the shirt still in her lap and pressed against his nose.

It had finally sunk in that Hiccup was never coming back for the both of them, and that was enough of a reason to cry as hard as they wished, as if hoping to fill the gaping, aching hole in their hearts the boy had torn out when he died with tears.

And somewhere far away in a realm they couldn't fathom, Toothless was unaware that Hiccup often shared his dreams. And right now, his boy saw them crying and twitched in his sleep. He stretched out a hand, as if trying to reach them and stop their tears, even as his own beaded up on his tightly closed eyelashes.

 


End file.
